A Language Rant to the 5th Degree
Thursday, August 2nd, 2007
Language is a pretty awesome thing. Without it, this website would easily be twice as boring as it already is.
However, there are some forms of language of which I’m not a fan. I’m not talking about so-called “bad” words or anything like that. I’m more concerned with the imprecise use of language. And I’m not even talking about the nit-picky “imprecise language derives from imprecise thought” argument, or, God forbid, something the along the lines of the who/whom distinction. I’m talking about the sort of thing that any native speaker of the language should know by the time they hit age six.
Below, I’ve outlined three levels of imprecise language which annoy me to varying degrees (ordered least to greatest):
Level 1: Good Old-Fashioned Hyperbole
The following statement is not hyperbole: everyone hyperbolizes. Beyond that, if you’re using the words “always,” “never,” “everyone,” or “nobody” to describe something without first having conducted an exhaustive amount of research, you’re probably hyperbolizing to a greater or lesser extent. Hyperbole usually only gets on my nerves during an argument, and it follows a general pattern of:
Angry person: “Yeah, well, you always say that when we’re fighting!”
Rob’s annoyingly logical brain: “I’ve said that in two of the last five arguments. 2 != 5. This statement is untrue. This argument is suspect.”
But like I said, everyone hyperbolizes at one time or another. It’s to be expected. If I weren’t so maddeningly logical when I argued, it probably wouldn’t bother me much.
Level 2: New-Fangled Inanity
This one really gets on my nerves, and seems to come up all too often:
Clueless person: “It was the best day ever! I was literally walking on air!”
Rob’s snarky brain: “Hmm… well, I’m going to have to literally suggest we hide you away in a government-run scientific institution for a couple of decades and study your abilities. Or at least exorcise your levitating ass.”
People: Literally means something truly, honestly, and in all actuality did happen. Figuratively means you’re using a metaphor, a visually inclined bit of language to describe a thought or emotion that is otherwise too abstract to articulate concisely. You cannot use literally to mean figuratively, because they’re pretty much antonyms. And today is not opposite day. Tomorrow isn’t looking too hot, either.
Level 5: Inanity to the Nth Degree
While I was on my jog last night, I overheard a guy arguing on his cellphone (outside, very loudly, which is also very annoying, but that is for a different article). He wasn’t getting too many words in edgewise, but he did manage to utter this gem:
Improbably Dense Fellow: “That’s not even true to the 5th degree! To the 5th degree!”
Rob’s aching brain: …error…error…
Umm… pardon my French, but Mon Dieu… qu’est-ce que c’est?! Since when are there various and determinate degrees of truthfulness? Is this something new that I missed, or could I have been using this all along? “No mom, I wasn’t lying – I was just telling a 4th-degree truth.” Somehow, I doubt that would have gone over so well.