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Amanda and I play Powerball every once in a while. We’re not excessive about it or anything: we have rules in place. For example, we never play unless the jackpot is over $80 million (for reasons that would take a whole second post to explain), and we only spend $5 on any one drawing: I pick two, she picks two, and we let the computer pick the final numbers.

So far, we’re not doing so hot. On the last drawing for $162 million, for example, we matched one number. Total. There are 30 numbers on our ticket, and we matched one. Those are pretty impressive odds, really… they’re just going in the wrong direction.

But man, when we do win big, things will be interesting. I’m going to have a huge-arse computer with four monitors: two to keep track of my investments, one for surfing the web, and one for playing videogames All. Day. Long. Also, I’m going to finally get myself a scooter. And instead of making regular-type phone calls, I’m going to have a giant high-def video communication system for my life-sized telepresence. And I’ll probably have an iPhone on the side for days I don’t feel like putting on pants.

A supercomputer, a LifeSize telecommunications system, and a scooter. A guy can dream, right?

This may come as a shock to some of you, considering the (permanent) age of my mother, but my grandfather is an old guy. In fact, his nickname has been “The Old Guy” for as long as I can remember. He’s right around 72 years old so far, and all indicators point to the fact that he won’t be getting any younger any time soon.

In addition, The Old Guy has also had a few health problems. He’s been diagnosed with emphysema, he’s had a couple of strokes, and he’s also suffered a couple of heart attacks. So far, nothing’s taken him out, and my fingers are crossed most sternly that nothing will take him out for a long while yet. I’m fond of him, and all. :)

Which is why it’s probably a good idea for me to check out InsideCardiacArrest.com. I don’t have a lot of background knowledge on major health problems like Irregular Heartbeat — I have Yet Another Cold/Flu Bug (YAC/FB) at the moment, but I’m pretty sure that’s not on par with sudden cardiac arrest.

And the InsideCardiacArrest website has some pretty useful information: for the first time in my 26 years, I finally understand what a fibrillation is, why it’s bad, and why one might be interested in defibrillizing one’s heart. I always knew it was a bad thing, but I never had a good mental image of the problem — thus, I inevitably ended up picturing little worm-like “fibrills” that had to be killed via electric shock. And while my “fibrillation” nugget of knowledge might not help me next time my grandfather has an “episode” (like Will & Grace, only with more hospital visits), it will certainly come in handy the next big family dinner, when everyone’s ailments come out to be examined by all.

El sigh. I’ve now had Qwest’s DSL internet service for more than a year. And we all know what that means, right? The internet just got horrendously expensive.

I started out with Qwest’s introductory rate, which wasn’t half bad. I paid around $30/month (or a dollar a day, if you want to look at it that way) for 1.5Mb/second access – it wasn’t the fastest connection in the world, or probably even on the block, but it was okay. And $30/month isn’t great, but it isn’t terrible, either.

Except now that I’m no longer in their introductory “honeymoon” window, I’m suddenly paying $50/month ($1.67 per day) for the exact same access as I had before. And I’m not using any of their equipment or anything – I’ve owned my own DSL router for years now. And while $30/month for medium-to-slow access was okay, $50 for the same access seems pretty outrageous.

And sure, I could try going for one of their so-called Price for Life offers (which are really just two year contracts with $200 penalties for leaving early), which gets me back down to $37/month for what I had previously. I could get it for lower, but I’m penalized for being what you might call “modern” and not having a land line. I’m not exactly sure I want to pay $37/month for LIFE. I plan to live an awful long time, Qwest. And even if I only lived another decade, that’d be nearly $4,500 for a decade of crappy internet speeds.

If I’m looking for a lifetime of internet access, I really don’t have to deal with Qwest. Instead, I could turn to Charter’s new High-Speed Internet for Life auction-style format of ISP shopping. The site is a little entertaining – in both appearance and concept, it mimics what would happen if Qwest were bought out by eBay. You bid whatever you’d be willing to pay in one lump sum for a lifetime of internet access, and wait to see if you’re the winner. And they’re even giving away a Nintendo Wii at the same time, which is pretty awesome, because you still can’t buy them around here. So Click Here for a Chance to Win a Nintendo® Wii™! and get internet for life.* The auction starts up tomorrow (March 12), so you’d best hurry.

*Note: Internet for Life cannot be bequeathed to relatives after the end of the winner’s life, even if their life is tragically short. So no scheming, evildoers. Undead zombies need not apply.

It’s days like today that really lead a man to start fantasizing.

I mean, just two days ago, we had sunny skies and 66 degree temperatures. Four hours later, it was 30 degrees, cloudy, and we had 35mph winds. This winter has already been long and cold enough. I tend to like winters overall, but I think I’m ready for the warm temperatures again. And since Iowa doesn’t seem all that willing to do much more than tease me with them, it gets me to fantasizing about trips to warmer climes.

For example, I just used TravelStoreUSA.com to plan a fantasy vacation to Honolulu, Hawaii. I was able to find round-trip tickets for two – leaving from Des Moines no less – and five nights in a hotel just off Waikiki Beach for under $2,000. Total. If Amanda and I weren’t already leaving for Europe in a few short weeks, that fantasy vacation might just have turned into a reality. :)

And if cruises are more your thing, they also seem to have some pretty good cruise specials going on their sister site (CruiseLocators.com), as well.

Personally, anything that got the frost off my toes and stopped my teeth from chattering for a few days straight would be a welcome change. :)

So lately I’ve been considering shooting my friends and family. Come on, admit it – the thought has crossed your minds, too.

Of course, unlike all you scary, maladjusted freaks, I was just talking about shooting them with a paintball gun. Now, I’ve never been paintballing before, but it looks like wicked mad fun. Basically, you carry a big CO2-powered gun filled to the brim with paintballs, wearing protective vests and paintball masks, sneak around a wooded area and shoot the living daylights out of anyone that moves (or, if you’re sneaky enough, even those who don’t). Provided (I suppose) that they aren’t on your team. Or if they are, that they’re being really, really annoying first.

I was invited to go on an August Home paintball outing last year, and I eagerly signed up. Then I spent that entire weekend painting my basement and was so sick of paint by paintball time Sunday afternoon I wasn’t sure if I would really enjoy the sight of all that splattered paint. Not that it would have mattered to my clothes any by that point. Looking back, I’m not sure I made the right choice, and I’ve been waiting for another opportunity ever since.

Luckily, it sounds like there’s a chance my dad might be picking up a couple of Tippmann or spyder guns from Ultimate Paintball in the near future. Which means I might be able to convince him to go out and wage war in grandma’s timber this spring. :)